You perform “confidence” at work all day. Shoulders back, voice steady, answer for everything. Then you come home and do it again! You’re holding it together for your kids, your partner, whoever needs you next. By 9pm you’re running on empty and wondering why you feel so disconnected from yourself.
That pretend confidence has a name. It’s called confidence theatre and the cost is steep!
Confidence theatre is what happens when the pressure to appear certain overrides the honesty of not knowing. It sounds like bold statements, no room for questions and a front that doesn’t match your internal reality. As parent leaders, you’re doing this on two stages simultaneously, and the people watching most closely are your kids.
Research on psychological safety shows that when leaders model fallibility, like saying “I don’t know” or “I got that wrong”, their teams become more engaged and more willing to speak up. The same is true at home! When your children see you acknowledge uncertainty without falling apart, you’re teaching them something no classroom can.
Real authority (and real leadership, IMHO), at work and at home, comes from being someone people can actually trust. Trust is built in the moments where you don’t have the answer and you say so. “I’m not sure yet, but here’s how we’ll figure it out” is more steadying than false certainty, whether you’re saying it in a boardroom or at the kitchen table.
Three Places to Start Dropping the Act?
- Name what you don’t know. At work, try: “I’m not sure – what’s everyone’s read?” At home, let your kids hear you say “I don’t know, let’s find out together.” Both rooms will shift.
- Separate competence from certainty. You can be a great leader and a great parent without having all the answers. Your team and your kids need your judgment, rather than your ability to predict the future.
- Notice when you’re performing for your kids. If you never let them see you struggle, fail, or course-correct, you’re not showing them confidence. You’re showing them a mask. I’m pretty sure that’s not the legacy you’re going for.
Your team isn’t looking for perfection. Neither are your kids. They’re all looking for someone they can trust and you can’t build that behind a performance. It’s time to put down the script – at work, and at home. Just. Be. You.