I was working with a long-time client last week—someone who’s done a lot of inner work—and she named a pattern that’s still getting in her way: she feels like she has to know HOW to do something before she can even start. And let me tell you, she’s not alone. I’ve been there. I still find myself there sometimes.
This, my friends, is a limiting belief—a thought or assumption that holds us back from taking action or seeing what’s possible. It usually shows up as something that feels like a truth (“I can’t do this unless I know exactly how”) but really, it’s just fear wearing a clever disguise.
Let’s play this out: when we don’t know how to do something, we often don’t even try. We retreat. We avoid. We disengage. Eventually, we convince ourselves that “not knowing how” is enough of a reason to stop altogether.
Can you relate? I sure can. I can think of at least six things right now that I’ve put off simply because I don’t know how. That little voice in my head says, “You don’t know how to start this… so why bother?”
But underneath that “how” obsession is fear.
Fear of failure.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of doing it “wrong.”
And here’s where I’ll invite you to ask yourself: What actually happens if you do it “wrong”? Like, truly—play it out. Most of the time, it’s not nearly as bad as your mind made it out to be. And even if it is? That’s just data. Information you can use to make a better move next time. Or maybe it’s a dead end—which still tells you something. But at least you tried. At least you were in motion.
Back to my client—she hasn’t solved this yet (most of us never fully do), but she’s aware. And that awareness is powerful. It gives her back her power. It puts her at choice.
Because now, when she catches herself saying “I don’t know how,” she can pause. She can decide. Does she want to stay in that space of avoidance and blame? (Let’s be honest—it can feel good for a while. It gets us sympathy. It justifies inaction. But over time, it gets heavy. Exhausting. Lonely.)
Here’s the question I want to leave you with:
Where are you focusing so hard on the HOW, that you’re forgetting about the WHO and the WHAT?
Let me explain:
- The WHAT is what you actually want. The desire. The idea. The goal. The vision.
- The WHO is you—who you want to be in this moment, what you stand for, what kind of leader/parent/human you want to show up as.
And when those two things are clear?
The HOW usually follows.