It was the Spring of 2021 when I realized I had been lying to myself.
I had been working a pretty typical corporate job. At an amazing company. Surrounded by brilliance. I was supported. I had growth. I was “successful” by everyone’s definition, including my own (or so I thought).
Sure, I had good days and not so good days. I often felt pulled in all directions (but it felt good to be needed by so many!). I didn’t know how to give anything less than 110% (nor did I want to!). The daily headaches were just par for the course. The early and late phone calls were just part of the job. The time away while managing my inbox was a necessary evil. So were phone calls in the car while shushing my kids after school. But I saw myself as lucky.
I had it all.
What I had… was an excuse for why this was all “fine”.
When the pandemic hit, my husband and I shut the world out of our house to keep our family safe. It was just us: two full-time working parents with very demanding jobs, a daughter starting kindergarten virtually in a new school, and a son in diapers who needed (and deserved!) constant attention.
I became the ringmaster of a work-life circus. I led important meetings as I led my daughter through at-home kindergarten. I changed my son’s diapers as my team changed projects. I juggled duties with my husband, and tried to keep it all together. 3AM bedtimes became the norm. We persisted through about 18 months of living like this.
I was living my life in a way that served everyone but myself. Of course, all things considered, I knew I was lucky and I tried not to take it for granted. But I also knew that I wasn’t really living and that I’d have regrets if something happened to me and I’d never tried what I was meant to do.
That’s when I realized that I had been lying to myself. Not just throughout those 18 months, but for years. This wasn’t “fine”. And I couldn’t do it anymore.
It took one phone call to send me over the edge. Late one night, through tears, I told my husband that I was ready to do something crazy, or at least try. To begin a new path for myself. To start living a dream I had deferred for so many years.
To start my own coaching business.
Stay tuned for Part 2 next week!